I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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