Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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