I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
