Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
