his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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