Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Randomize
