??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
