After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
