Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
