i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
