I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she looked like the before picture.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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