dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
