I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I see more hoeing in ur future
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