whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
