He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize