mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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