your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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