I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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