But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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