I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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