What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
