I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
