Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize