meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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