I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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