I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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