If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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