ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
