If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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