Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i now understand why vodka
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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