I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She told me I should be a condom model.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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