I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
