is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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