Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
