Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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