The maid of honor just puked.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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