you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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