a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he had hair everywhere except his balls
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
