My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
