God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
