One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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