Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
