Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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