So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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