I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
