Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance