I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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