I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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