I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
