We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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