we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
