Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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